Trying my best.

My mind has been having a conversation with itself at a constant since the 6th.. Pep talks and working through all those regrets but trying to to not see them negatively. Trying to process this huge loss I feel after Michael passed on. Trying to offer forgiveness up in my heart to all the anger I harbor from feeling wronged or hurt throughout my life so I could move on in a new direction. I've been looking to see the silver linings and the lessons from even the most heart wrenching or embarrassing mistakes. I'm in the process of  truly sorting out the meaning of my life and learning to go about living instead of existing.  I fall short from the things I'm meant to experience or teach to my daughter. I'm being selfish wasting time for fear.. I'm been being a victim and not giving myself a chance. I've lived so long giving that negativity the authority to take over my life. I've been giving these scars far too much reign over my life. Past is past and I cant keep dwelling here as there is present slipping right by me. I cant let the pain eat away at me like a parasite starving the host. Pain in all forms physically mentally and spiritually I've built up over the years needs to be reevaluated. I've got to learn to function better with the physical pain that won't heal.. I've been listening to far too many other people tell me who I am or how I should feel.. I was still my very worst critic yet, tearing down myself before ever standing up for myself. I brought myself into heaps of regrets just trying to find where I could fit.. Thing is that I shouldnt feel that way... I am not meant to bend myself into shapes just for the sake of making others happy when it only aided me in fueling the self hate. I'm meant to live, learn, grow, and change.. I'm not meant to do it for others. I need to for myself and my family..  rebuilding myself will take time inside and out. Some of these things I've never truly faced down and I've never had a grasp on. I always hated my body.. The pain is a big part of that but then the weight packed on so fast in my teens I learned from peers it was something to feel ashamed of.. I only ate what everyone else ate. I did what I could.. I was a kid and I didnt get it.. I hated myself and learned the methods of starving myself then finally breaking down to binge on things I denied myself for weeks just to feel ok again. Of course this only helped the gaining cycle with my severely imbalanced Thyroid function being untreated for years then making my body go in and out of starvation mode. This weight is a huge overtaking. I CAN'T keep living in this padded prison cell of a body. I must find a way to get some fitness into my life without causing harm. I've been thinking about doing a sort of fundraiser for myself to get an exercise bike that will support me. Spiritually I've been seeking a lot lately as well. I have many questions I keep asking out to God and all the universe.  Asking and settling with the answers that come into focus that only  leave me asking more. There is more to this universe this wide beautiful macrocosm we live in. Why would it be so wondrous if it weren't also so wonderful? We are just a spark and we truly effect one another. It's a chain reaction we can catch fire and cause others to spread that light! We carry on our flames we teach, reach, love and care about others but we also try to distinguish diminish and hide the lights of others. We oftentimes try our hardest to outshine one another.. We are a flame that burns out far quickly sometimes others have fuel for many years..  Are we not flammable can we not feed our flames to burn brighter and truer? Who cares how long we take to burn out as long as our lights shine with quality and strength and we offer ourselves in love, comfort and help to one another.. We must lend our lives to explore and embrace the beauty in ourselves and others.. We must always keep moving forward and not keep hanging on to the past... We have to learn to let go! We have to learn to LEARN, not regret and try to forget. Once it's there it cant really be forgotten.. It can only be a lesson.

Breaking into a Wakeup

Hello, I'm recently shattered. My pieces were splintered down straight to the core of me. I had no idea I was issued a wake up call. If anyone in the world would be it, it had to be you Michael David. God used you to touch so many lives for the better and I'm praying for miracles still... You cradled him into your arms he did not feel a thing we took the hardest blows to the heart.... You used him to save 4 others and literally woke the living dead that was me. I was so far gone.. So defeated I just existed... I peeled away my true champion of my soul and savior in my ignorance and depression for so long I told myself I was only just fooled before.... In a way I was right.. I was fooled into this mindset that has been at the megaphone of the popular "Christian  movement" for years...  I surrounded myself with all the wrong things and I even drown out the guiding spirit because it became ritual. I moved onto playing out the blame and shame game... I let things drown out the message that God is LOVE. I went on judging others but none so much as myself harsher and harsher still. I nearly destroyed myself a time or 2. I let the past control me I let others tell me what to think... I became a poisoned "christian" instead of glowing with love I grew dark and dim and eventually went out altogether. I needed Him and my heart tried to fill the hole that I ripped into it with many poisonous things.. I tried to gather my shredded heart in ways that could never see fit to hold all the pieces.. It sickened me and I was no longer myself.. I was always trying to cover that void that filled me when I left you. It was all so stupid of me. I felt so alone yet You were always there beside me I just couldnt bring myself to feel you. I lost track of my God when I still claimed to have Him... I hurt people because I myself was hurting... I never forgave myself even after I was forgiven even though there were so many ways of trying for the life of me in the death of me to accept me.. I never forgave others and it became a very toxic mix. I let my heart topple over into the darkness. Cynical and fooled just trying to hang in there for my family trying my hardest not to die.. No I didnt want to die... Not this young I didnt want my daughter to live without me I wanted to see her grow up and become a beautiful soul but how could I teach that when mine was so caustic.. I didnt want to parish yet I forgot to live!! I forgot the sunshine. I lived for little moments when I wasnt swallowed by depression/regrets and anger.... The void was still drowning out so much beauty.

Michael, you were loved.. Because of you Michael I will move forward I will get better I will live to honor your memory. I am going to dedicate it to you when I get this weight off buddy... Its been such a long time since I was able to function normal.. You were right even if you didn't always have the best tact.. Oh I know you couldn't understand the pain since you didn't live in my broken body most people cant place themselves in the shoes of others. I made excuses to not even push past the pain to not even try. I gave up.. You never gave up... You pushed forward and never gave up.. You were beautiful.. You were a butthole sometimes and we fought like siblings neither ever wanting to give in and concede even if we knew the other to be right and you would laugh and pick on me just to get me ruffled but your smile would always bring one out in me even if I was angry.. You were truly beautiful Michael. You would help anyone just like Mamaw would. You took so much from them and beauty from this world and grew into a wonderful man. You were the rock that stood strong even when all else became rubble.. You amaze me. You made a difference in me and I'm truly thankful to God for you. You broke my heart and maybe that is what it took to wake me up I wish it weren't the wake-up call...I think that maybe there were many reasons it was your time... Perhaps you learned all you needed to in this life.. maybe you were needed to help heal others, maybe your loss was meant to wake up the people you loved so dearly, perhaps God thought it was time for you to keep mamaw company.... I don't know.. I do know that it woke me up ans I am going to live on to make you and mamaw proud of me... I'm going to move forward to actually LIVE...To teach my daughter about you! To show my daughter what true love is.. Love you