Trying my best.

My mind has been having a conversation with itself at a constant since the 6th.. Pep talks and working through all those regrets but trying to to not see them negatively. Trying to process this huge loss I feel after Michael passed on. Trying to offer forgiveness up in my heart to all the anger I harbor from feeling wronged or hurt throughout my life so I could move on in a new direction. I've been looking to see the silver linings and the lessons from even the most heart wrenching or embarrassing mistakes. I'm in the process of  truly sorting out the meaning of my life and learning to go about living instead of existing.  I fall short from the things I'm meant to experience or teach to my daughter. I'm being selfish wasting time for fear.. I'm been being a victim and not giving myself a chance. I've lived so long giving that negativity the authority to take over my life. I've been giving these scars far too much reign over my life. Past is past and I cant keep dwelling here as there is present slipping right by me. I cant let the pain eat away at me like a parasite starving the host. Pain in all forms physically mentally and spiritually I've built up over the years needs to be reevaluated. I've got to learn to function better with the physical pain that won't heal.. I've been listening to far too many other people tell me who I am or how I should feel.. I was still my very worst critic yet, tearing down myself before ever standing up for myself. I brought myself into heaps of regrets just trying to find where I could fit.. Thing is that I shouldnt feel that way... I am not meant to bend myself into shapes just for the sake of making others happy when it only aided me in fueling the self hate. I'm meant to live, learn, grow, and change.. I'm not meant to do it for others. I need to for myself and my family..  rebuilding myself will take time inside and out. Some of these things I've never truly faced down and I've never had a grasp on. I always hated my body.. The pain is a big part of that but then the weight packed on so fast in my teens I learned from peers it was something to feel ashamed of.. I only ate what everyone else ate. I did what I could.. I was a kid and I didnt get it.. I hated myself and learned the methods of starving myself then finally breaking down to binge on things I denied myself for weeks just to feel ok again. Of course this only helped the gaining cycle with my severely imbalanced Thyroid function being untreated for years then making my body go in and out of starvation mode. This weight is a huge overtaking. I CAN'T keep living in this padded prison cell of a body. I must find a way to get some fitness into my life without causing harm. I've been thinking about doing a sort of fundraiser for myself to get an exercise bike that will support me. Spiritually I've been seeking a lot lately as well. I have many questions I keep asking out to God and all the universe.  Asking and settling with the answers that come into focus that only  leave me asking more. There is more to this universe this wide beautiful macrocosm we live in. Why would it be so wondrous if it weren't also so wonderful? We are just a spark and we truly effect one another. It's a chain reaction we can catch fire and cause others to spread that light! We carry on our flames we teach, reach, love and care about others but we also try to distinguish diminish and hide the lights of others. We oftentimes try our hardest to outshine one another.. We are a flame that burns out far quickly sometimes others have fuel for many years..  Are we not flammable can we not feed our flames to burn brighter and truer? Who cares how long we take to burn out as long as our lights shine with quality and strength and we offer ourselves in love, comfort and help to one another.. We must lend our lives to explore and embrace the beauty in ourselves and others.. We must always keep moving forward and not keep hanging on to the past... We have to learn to let go! We have to learn to LEARN, not regret and try to forget. Once it's there it cant really be forgotten.. It can only be a lesson.